


The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals

by allonswolfnewtina



Series: The Tenth Doctor & Rose [4]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who RPF, Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Musical, Alternate Universe - TGWDLM Fusion, Alternate Universe - The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals Fusion, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonswolfnewtina/pseuds/allonswolfnewtina
Summary: Based off the musical of the same name. Everything in the small town of Gallifrey seemed normal until people began singing... Then, they began dancing... And now, a musical pandemic is sweeping the entire city. It's up to David McCrimmon (an average guy who doesn't like musicals) and his friends to stop this musical apocalypse and fight for humanity's future.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Donna Noble, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: The Tenth Doctor & Rose [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1235345
Kudos: 5





	1. The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marissaiswholocked1011](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marissaiswholocked1011/gifts), [HiddenTreasures (lastbluetardis)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastbluetardis/gifts).



> So, this started when I was watching TGWDLM for the billionth time since last week and then the scene where Emma imitated a Scottish accent while talking about being in Brigadoon came up, and it just took me back to that scene in Tooth and Claw, and well... here we are...
> 
> Who's who in this AU  
> Tenth Doctor (known as David McCrimmon) - Paul  
> Rose Tyler - Emma  
> Jack Harkness - Ted  
> Donna Noble - Charlotte  
> River Song - Nora  
> Mickey Smith - Bill  
> Twelfth Doctor (known as Professor Tucker) - Professor Hidgens  
> Annette Smith (OC) - Alice  
> Yasmin Khan - Deb  
> Reinette - Zoey  
> Lance Bennett - Sam  
> Stephen Moffat - Mr. Davidson  
> The War Doctor - General McNamara  
> Homeless Man - The Dream Lord  
> Dan (journalist) - Harry Sullivan  
> Donna (journalist) - Sarah Jane  
> Danny (Smoke Club Boy) - Vislor Turlough  
> Smoke Club Girl - Melanie Bush  
> Greenpeace Girl - Amy Pond  
> Colonel Schaffer - Kate Lethbridge-Stewart  
> Nurse - Grace Holloway  
> Cop 1 (Robert Manion) - Owen Harper  
> Cop 2 (Mariah Rose Faith) - Sally Sparrow  
> Kathy - Vicki

I want you to imagine a dark stage as haunting music swells. A jagged meteor pulsates with eerie, blue light. Mist floods the stage as a mysterious chorus slinks on, and begins singing...

 **ENSEMBLE:** _Ooh, ooh_

 **MR. MOFFAT:** _The greatest stories ever told (Ooh...)  
Have a hero who must be bold (Ooh...)  
They learn a sense of right and wrong (Ooh...)  
And better learn the sense through song (Ooh...)_

 **DONNA:** _Musicals tell the impossible (impossible)  
They evoke the philosophical, yeah!_

 **JACK:** _So tonight we're gonna chronicle  
A story so astronomical_

 **ALL:** _The last remaining story to tell_

 **GENERAL HURT:** _The guy who didn't like musicals (didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)  
I mean, what the fuck?! (didn't like, did not like, like-a-like 'em)  
He's the guy who didn't like musicals (didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em; didn't like didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)  
Yeah, what the fuck? (didn't like, did not like, like-a-like 'em)_

 **MICKEY:** _In the tiny town of Gallifrey  
Lived an awful grinch named David  
_

 **ASTRID:** _He spends his days surfing the web  
Instead of singing and dancing with us all_

 **ALL:** _Should we kill him? Should we kill him?_

 **ROSE:** _Oh, he pines after a cute li'l barista  
Isn't that worth a show-stopping fiesta, yeah?_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _But for some damn reason  
He won't join our singing season_

 **MR. MOFFAT, GENERAL HURT, LANCE, MICKEY, ASTRID, ANNETTE, & REINETTE:** _What an ass!_  
(joined by DONNA & ROSE) _What a bitch!_

 **ALL:** _What a cuck!_

 **LANCE:** _The guy who didn't like musicals (didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em; didn't like didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)  
I mean, what the fuck! (didn't like, did not like, like-a-like 'em)  
He's the guy who didn't like musicals, na-na-na-na-na-na-na (didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)  
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na (didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em; didn't like didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)_

 **GENERAL HURT:** _It's the end of the world, Dave (end of the world)  
If you don't sing (if you don't sing)_

 **REINETTE:** _This is the bridge, David (this is the bridge)  
Where we globalize everything_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _And the words will come to you  
We swear we will teach you_

 **ALL:** _What is means to love  
What it means to obey, Dave!_

 **GENERAL HURT:** The apotheosis is upon us

 **ALL:** Yay!

 **LANCE:** _Did you hear the word?_

 **ENSEMBLE:** _What's the word?_

 **MR. MOFFAT, LANCE, GENERAL HURT, DONNA, RIVER, & YASMIN:** _He's a-comin'_

 **ENSEMBLE:** _Who's a-coming?_

 **MR. MOFFAT, LANCE, GENERAL HURT, DONNA, RIVER, & YASMIN:** _Dave's a-comin'_

 **ENSEMBLE:** _Dave's a-comin'?_

 **ALL:** _The star of the show_

 **JACK:** _Now for his headlining entrance_

 **ROSE, DONNA, RIVER, & ANNETTE:** _Time to swoon at his leading man essence_

 **MICKEY & PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _His name is in the title_

 **MR. MOFFAT, LANCE, GENERAL HURT, ASTRID, ANNETTE, & REINETTE:** _He's destined to go viral  
Here he is, his name is Dave  
_

 **ALL:** _Enter now!_

The chorus all pointed jazz hands stage-right, awaiting David's entrance... but he didn't show.

"Where the fuck is he?" Mr. Moffat asked Mickey.

"I have no fucking clue," Mickey answered.

Another beat. Still no David.

 **MR. MOFFAT:** _The guy just doesn't like musicals_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _You gotta believe in something, Dave  
Gotta believe in stupid, Dave_

 **MALCOLM:** _Yeah!_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, did not like, like-a-like 'em_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _Gotta believe in something, Dave, you piece of shit_

 **GENERAL HURT:** _He's the guy who didn't like musicals_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em_

 **MR. MOFFAT:** _Na-na-na-na-na-na!_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, did not like, like-a-like 'em_

 **LANCE:** _Whoo!_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER** _Gotta believe in something, Dave, you piece of shit_

 **GENERAL HURT:** _And he definitely won't like this!_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _Gotta believe in something, Dave  
Gotta believe in stupid, Dave_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em  
Didn't like, did not like, like-a-like 'em_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _Gotta believe in something, Dave, you piece of shit_

 **MR. MOFFAT:** _He's the guy who didn't like musicals_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em_

 **ROSE:** _Why, oh, why, oh why_

 **LANCE:** _Na-na-na-na-na-na!_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _Gotta believe in something, Dave  
Gotta believe in stupid, Dave_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em_

 **GENERAL HURT:** _Na-na-na-na-na-na!_

 **WOMEN:** _Didn't like, did not like, like-a-like 'em_

 **PROFESSOR TUCKER:** _Gotta believe in something..._

 **WOMEN:** _Why oh why_

 **ALL:** _Dave, you piece of shit!_


	2. The Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey just wants his daughter back, Donna's lost a bit of her fiery nature, and Jack teases David about the "latte hottay."

"Hey, Dave?"

David turned to Mickey. "Yeah?"

"I was trying to print something, and I think I might have sent it your printer," Mickey told him.

David leaned down to check his printer, and picked up a sheet of paper from the output tray. "Yep."

He handed it over to Mickey. "Uh, just remember, you want to print from the HP Laserjet, not the HP Inkjet."

"Right. Sorry, Dave."

"It's fine."

Mr. Moffat, their boss, walked in. "Hey, David, can I get those reports on my desk by the end of the day?"

"Yes, Mr. Moffat."

"Greeaat."

After Mr. Moffat went back into his office, Astrid came in. "Hi, David."

"Hey, Astrid."

"Uh, were you gonna sign up for the company cricket league?" Astrid asked him.

David sighed. "No."

"Oh. Well, it might be fun," she tried to hype it up.

"Yeah, I don't want to, though," David said with brutal honesty.

"Okay," Astrid sounded a little disappointed. "Well, Mr. Moffat wants those reports on his desk by the end of the day."

"Will do!" David called after her as she left.

Donna's work phone rang and she picked it up. "Tardis Technical, this is Donna. How can I...? Oh, hi, Lance! How are things down at the precinct? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, my day's been..."

She trailed off. "Uh-huh... Oh... How late? But-- but-- but, sweetheart, it's..."

She lowered her voice to a whisper, but it didn't keep David from hearing her. "Sweetheart, it-- it's Cuddle Night."

Her voice began to rise again. "Well, what do you mean 'so what'? The counselor says we should do it at least once a month! Yes, but... yes, but, honey, we skipped last month. Oi, don't you think I'm tired, too? Alright, well, maybe tomorrow night then, huh? No, no, you're right. We should stick to the schedule. Next month it is! Alright. Well, you take care, Lance. And, Lance, be careful because I love y--"

Lance hung up on her.

"Lance?"

Donna placed the phone back down. "That was Lance," she told David.

She reached into her purse. "He's doing just fine."

She pulled out a lighter and a cigarette. "Counseling's working out real swell..."

"Oh! Donna, I'm sorry. You can't smoke in here," David warned.

"Huh?"

David pointed to her hands and she looked at them.

"Oh! I didn't even realize..." Donna said.

"It's okay," David reassured her as she put them back in her purse... pulling out a flask instead.

David sighed at the sight. Since she married Lance a few Christmases ago, she hadn't been the same old Donna that called him "Spaceman" and gave her mother a verbal lashing for insensitive comments she made. It was like someone had gone into Donna's mind and changed her into someone he barely recognized.

"Well, I'm gonna go get some coffee from Henrik's Coffee Shop," David announced. "Anyone wanna come? Mickey?"

"I can't," Mickey said. "I gotta keep refreshing this webpage."

He began to rant. "See, I got Annette one more night before she goes home to Cardiff. And Gwen, just to make me look small, took her all the way to London to see _Hamilton_..."

"Ugh," David groaned... not out of sympathy for Mickey's plight, though.

"And she loved it!" Mickey continued. "So, to prove to my ex-wife that two can play that game, I'm on HotTix right now. And the moment more become available, I'm getting two tickets for tonight. Because, guess what, Dave? It's finally here! At the old Bad Wolf Theatre in downtown Gallifrey... the touring production of _Mamma Mia_!"

"Wow, she'll like that just as much as _Hamilton_ ," David quipped.

"It's a musical!" Mickey exclaimed. "Hey, you want to tag along? Annette would get a kick out of it. Remember when you used to baby-sit her, drive her to school?"

"Yeah."

"She thinks you're cool," Mickey told him. "Maybe you could talk me up a bit? Let her know her old dad's pretty cool, too!"

"Mickey... no. Sorry."

"You got other plans?" Mickey asked.

"Uh-- no," David replied.

"So you... you'd rather do nothing than come with us to see _Mamma Mia_?" Mickey continued to ask, sounding dejected.

"Mickey, I'd rather do anything than go see _Mamma Mia_ ," David answered truthfully. "The idea of sitting there, trapped in a musical... that is my own personal hell."

"I'm trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you're just gonna leave me hanging?"

"Yeah," was all David could say. "Sorry. But, hey! I'll grab you something from Henrik's! My treat. What do you want?"

"I just want my daughter back," Mickey said mournfully.

A beat of silence passed.

"How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothing better!" David offered.

David was about to head for the elevator when he was stopped by Jack Harkness. He had only moved here from America four years ago, and had already made a reputation for himself as the office playboy.

"Hey, you're going to Henrik's?" Jack asked.

"Yeah," David answered.

"You didn't invite me?"

"Sorry, Jack," David apologized. "Do you want to come?"

"No, no, no, no, no," Jack looked away briefly. "I don't wanna 'show you up,' yeah?"

"What do you mean?"

"Dave, come on. I know why you walk that extra block, instead of just going to Starbucks across the street."

"I don't want to give my money to some corporate chain..." David began.

"Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh? You sure it doesn't have anything to do with that cute lil' barista over there, huh?" Jack asked teasingly.

"That's not the reason," David told him a little too quickly.

"Yeah, the Latte Hottay, as she's known throughout the land, right?" Jack continued to tease him. "It's like... 'my wife,'" he briefly intimated Borat. "Right? It's like _Borat_ , man..."

"Alright, bye, Jack," David bolted, not wanting to deal with this any longer.

"Hey, get me a chai iced tea, eh?! Eh?!" Jack yelled after him. He groaned dismissively, knowing David didn't hear him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, Jack is one of my favorite characters, but this was only way I could fit him in. I'm not bashing him.
> 
> Catch you guys next time!


	3. Henrik's Coffee Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose hates her job, Reinette has to make a tea with honey, and our main couple finally meets for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to release this chapter yet, but then I realized that today, it has been two years since the TGWDLM pro-shot was uploaded to YouTube, so I thought... why not?
> 
> To quote a friend of mine earlier, here's to two years of not thinking about the implications!

"Hi, can I help you?" Rose asked the customer who had just walked in.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he mumbled as he kept scrolling on his phone. "Can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti cup with ten pumps of hazelnut, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle, with whip on top?"

"Sure, that'll be five fifty," Rose said as she went to make the drink.

"Jesus, fine," the man whined. He noticed a sign laying against the tip jar, fished into his coat pocket for a dollar bill, and placed it in the jar. "Hey."

"Yeah?" Rose looked up from where she was working.

"I just tipped you."

"Oh, well, thank you," Rose smiled.

"Aren't you supposed to sing?" the man asked. "The sign says tip for a song."

"Yeah, um, that's like a new thing," Rose explained. "The owner went to Coldstone Creamery over the weekend and brought back the whole singing thing. But, you know, there's a line and people are working. I don't want to disturb anyone."

"I don't care. I just tipped you, come on" the man laughed.

"Okay. Well, did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an arsehole?" Rose asked.

"Fine, I take it back then!"

"Oh no!" Rose cried sarcastically. "What am I gonna do without that quid I have to split with five other people?"

David entered just to hear the tail-end of the confrontation.

"You know what? I'm never coming back here again," the man declared. "That sign's bullshit."

"Oh my God, so mean!" Rose pretended to sob in a high-pitched voice before flipping him the V as he exited... just in time for River to come in.

"Rose, what's the deal over here?" River asked.

"That guy just flipped out on me for practically no reason," Rose said.

Someone she recognized from around town as Adam Mitchell stood up from his seat in between the front counter and window. "She wouldn't sing for him," he tattled. "And I still haven't gotten my hot chocolate."

"Oh, sorry, I'll get right on that," Rose said.

"I have very low blood sugar," Adam said, sitting back down and returning to the book he was reading.

"I'm so sorry, sir. We'll get you a voucher," River apologized, turning back to her employee. "Jesus, Rose, come on. I already warned you twice!"

"It's embarrassing, River!" Rose complained. "I mean, God, maybe Reinette's okay with the whole singing thing because she majored in theater," saying those last four words in a mocking voice.

Reinette, having heard her name spoken, came in from the back room behind the counter. "I think it's a really fun idea, River."

"Why aren't you working?" Rose asked her.

"Oh, I'm on vocal rest," Reinette said in a sotto voice.

"What?"

"I'm on vocal re--"

Reinette stopped herself when she realized that Rose was messing with her. "Goddammit, Rose, now I have to make a tea with honey, okay?! Oh, my God..."

She returned to the back room.

"Look, can't Reinette just do the singing?" Rose asked River. "I don't like it."

"Huh, okay. So, then you must not like haven't a job here then, hm?" River asked, the threat dangling in the air. "You know what? Just don't even bother showing up for your next shift."

Rose's eyes widened. "Wait, are you serious? Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait..."

River stared at her.

"I will do the singing," Rose said.

"Yeah, you will. Now, move your arse, chav," River ordered. "You got a line."

Rose turned back to the front of the room to see David waiting. They smiled at each other.

"Hi, can I help you?" Rose asked.

"Uh, yeah," David answered. "I got an easy one for you. Just a cup of black coffee."

Rose nodded as she went to one of the machines. In the corner of her eye, she noticed him drop something in to the tip jar.

"Jesus! Really?!" she exclaimed. She sighed and began singing. " _I've been brewing up your coffee_ \--"

"Oh no, no, no," David stopped her. "No, no, no. Uh, I'm sorry. No, I don't need you to sing. I just tipped because, you know... people should tip."

"Well, thank you," Rose smiled. "I mean, because if I have to sing, it's not really a tip, right? It's just like I have another shitty paying job on top of my already shitty paying job!"

David didn't say anything; he just smiled as she continued ranting.

"'Cause, I mean, most of my tips are less than a quid? So after the split, I'm making, like, not even 25 cents a song. That is less than a fucking jukebox! Only a jukebox doesn't also have to make coffee for these arseholes. Uh, not that you're an arsehole."

She frowned. "Well, maybe you are. What'd you tip?"

She reached in to the tip jar. "Five quid! You meant this just for me, right? Like I don't have to split this with anyone..."

"Oh no, that's for you," David reassured her. "I don't give a shit about them."

Rose laughed. "That's very sweet."

She sighed. "God, I'm just so sick of River and Reinette... who is technically my manager, and just loves to rub in the fact that she's nine years older than me."

Rose groaned, "Ugh. She hired all of her little theater friends and they will not ♪ shut the fuck up ♪ about some shitty production of _Godspell_ they did last summer."

"Oh, that was the one at the Lazarus Rec Center, right?" David asked. "I think I had to see that. I did not like it."

"Yeah! It sucked, right?"

"Yeah, they shouldn't call it _Godspell_. More like _God-awful_."

"Or like _God-damn-that-was-bad_ ," Rose joked, making David laugh.

"I don't like musicals," he said, unprompted. "Watching people sing and dance makes me very comfortable."

"Well, then why did you come to the singing coffee shop?" Rose asked, placing his coffee on the counter. "You know, there's a Starbucks across the street."

"Oh, uh... Well, you know," for some reason, David was struggling to find his words. "Some things are worth it. Like... damn good coffee."

He gave Rose an awkward thumbs-up, which she returned.

"I see you in here all the time, don't I? What's your name?" Rose asked.

"David."

"Hi, David. I'm Rose."

"EXCUSE ME!"

The two were interrupted by Adam running up to the counter.

"I have been waiting a very long while..."

"Sorry, sorry," Rose said.

"Okay, uh... bye, Rose," David said, walking out of the shop. "Rose," he repeated with a smile. "Oh, shoot! I forgot Mickey's caramel frappe!" he remembered.

He thought it over for another second.

"Eh, fuck Mickey."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas Eve Eve, everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> So, that was the opening number. Hopefully, I'll get Chapter 2 out before the New Year and I'll see you next time!


End file.
